breakthrough

I love yoga. I know people get tired of me praising it, but I do. I was a fitness instructor for a few years during college, teaching boot camp, strength training, and ab/ pilates classes about 5x a week...and I never felt as strong, connected, and excited to participate as I do with yoga.

The principal of yoga is what I really love...it is about being thankful for what your body can do. It is about accepting where your body is, but knowing that you will continue to grow in your practice. I never felt that way with running, although I do love to run. During a run, I usually struggle with not being able to be "fast" enough. With weight lifting, I struggle with not looking "strong" enough. With yoga, I know that I am not the best in the class, but the fact that I can do things that I never thought my body could do is good enough for me!

Well, I have had an inner struggle for the past several months with doing a hand stand. Stupid, yes. But it kept me from going to a certain yoga class that does a ton of handstands and left me feeling inferior and, again, not "good enough". When the instructor would have us go to the wall to practice hand stands, I would feel so much resentment towards myself. This instructor made me feel terrible, would say things like "this is an advance class, and if people can't keep up, then don't come" and would bark out vague instructions that would stress me out more than help me with the posture.

It would anger me. Yoga is SO not about feeling inferior and like you will never be able to accomplish a move. It was a catch 22...I would feel resentment towards my body, and then resentment for feeling resentment when I know that I shouldn't! It is funny....with some moves in this class, I would be the only one that could do them...so why can't I do a freaking hand stand?!?

I started going to a different yoga instructor. Her class isn't as good of a "work out" (because she isn't a drill sergeant), but I know it is beneficial to my personal yoga practice. Last night, she focused an hour on hand stands....I started the cold sweat when she had us move to the wall. Fear started setting in...I can't do this...I am going to embarrass myself...I am not strong enough...blah blah. She started us of with simple moves that help you with bringing your hips directly above your shoulders during an inversion..and then after 45 minutes of various postures that wake up the back and shoulders, we spent the last couple of minutes just being in a hand stand.

She never yelled. She never said that we weren't good enough. She did tell me that I overcompensate using my shoulder muscles instead of my back muscles. She also told me that I hold too much tension in my neck. When I corrected those two EASY things, I could hold the hand stand for about 30 seconds. This is going to probably sound a little hooky, but all of the voices in my head that told me I am not good enough ceased and I heard....nothing. I was able to relax into the pose and be in the moment. Which is exactly how yoga should be.